Improving Communication
in Marriage
Communication in marriage is the "glue" that holds your relationship together.Personally, for Andrew and I, our "communication in marriage" started out long before we were even married as I worked abroad in England for a year. During that time we were forced to communicate by talking on the phone every day. No touching, seeing, smelling, tasting... only hearing. If we hadn't had that year, I think we still wouldn't know each other as well as we do now. This is not to say that you should move away from your spouse for a year so that you can improve the communication in your marriage! No way! But a lesson can be learned from this, and that is that communication in marriage takes time, energy, and effort. Good communication in marriage is much more than saying, "Honey, please pass the remote," or "Hey, what time will you be home from work tonight?" No, it goes much deeper than that... so don't think you can get off easy! So without further ado, here are my top recommendations for improving communication in marriage:
1. Respect
Often we reject what our spouse is saying, just because we disagree. It's fine to disagree, but your spouse needs to know that you respect them over and above whatever issue is being discussed. So the next time your spouse is sharing something with you that you completely disagree with, focus more on what they're saying than composing a clever rebuttal in your mind. They deserve to be heard out.
Then, take time to actually consider your spouse's perspective. Can you find anything in it that you agree with? If you can, then begin your rebuttal with that. For example, "That's a really interesting opinion you have about how to fry an egg. I agree with your view on proper egg-cracking technique, but I disagree with..." Do you see how this is much less nasty-sounding than "Your opinion is so lame!"? It validates their opinion, shows them what you agree with, and then gives a challenge. Give it a try!
2. Create Time to Talk
It's no secret that people are crazy-busy. Most people work full time, plus all the usual "life-things" like grocery shopping, cooking, paying bills, taking care of pets, sports, family commitments, etc. There's not always a ton of time leftover to talk to your spouse... and therefore, communication in marriage breaks down.
If this describes your marriage, try this: arrange a time with your husband or wife where you'll just hang out and talk. It doesn't need to be a fancy restaurant date... in fact, you may be most comfortable on your living room couch. Write it down as an appointment in your day planner or PDA so you won't be tempted to schedule other stuff for that time. One thing that Andrew and I have found really helpful for our communication in marriage is to eat dinner together... and by that I mean at the table, facing each other, with the TV off! We noticed a big difference in how "connected" we felt after having good chats during dinner, as opposed to when we used to sit next to each other on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy during dinner. Light a few candles, turn on some music, dim the lights, and it can even become romantic! If you feel that a scheduled "talking date" is just too strange or awkward, come up with a topic to discuss ahead of time. It could be a book you're both reading, a trip you're planning together, your future together, etc. Be creative!
3. Be Okay with Quiet Moments
There are times when you've said everything that needs to be said, you're both exhausted, or just not in a super-chatty mood. Despite what "communication in marriage" may imply (that you should be talking to communicate), it's good to have quiet moments too.For example, Andrew and I work together and generally spend a ton of time together - we're in each others' lives and know what's going on with each other. Sometimes when we go out for a nice dinner, we sit down and order our meals, then lean back and not really say much to each other for a while. This used to scare me a bit as I was afraid we'd joined the "dining dead," but I've come to realize that this is okay for us (as long as we're not like this all the time). We are both people who need our down-time just as much as our up-time, and it's nice that we can have that down-time together and not feel awkward about not talking. So if this sounds similar to your situation... do not fear!
4. Show Genuine Interest
Do you like to be listened to? Thought so! It's human nature that people like to talk about themselves. Think of yourself as an example: when someone listens to you, how does it make you feel? Most likely you feel important, valued, cared for, and like your opinions matter to someone. What a great feeling! Now let's turn that around. Every day you have the opportunity to make your spouse feel important, valued, and cared for by they way you respond to what they say. Now here comes the tricky part. Most likely there are some topics that are important to your spouse that you don't give a rat's hoo-hoo about. So you have the option of shutting them down (selfish), or listening to them and showing a genuine interest in what they're saying (giving). I'll let you guess what the best option is for your marriage!
Here's a personal example from my marriage: Andrew loves guitars. If he's not playing his guitar, he's teaching guitar lessons, downloading guitar music, adding new guitars to his wish-list, or hunting down other people to play guitar with in a band. To say it in one word, guitars are his PASSION! So of course Andrew likes to discuss his passion with me... at breakfast, on our way to work, at work, during dinner, after dinner... you get the point. Now, I also play instruments and love music, but am not a guitar-nut to the extent that he is. So when he talks to me about guitars, I have two options: to nod and smile and hope the conversation ends soon, OR to show interest by asking him questions and making comments. Again, guess what the best option for our marriage is! Over time I've learned that by showing interest in his guitar-mania, I've learned a fair bit about guitars, and could now even pick out his favorites if I ever wanted to buy him a super awesome (and expensive!) present. Of course the best part about me showing genuine interest in his passion is that our marriage has become stronger because of it. And another nice bonus is that he returns the genuine interest when I'm talking to him about my soccer practice, my website, etc. I'm not saying that we've got it down perfectly, but I hope you can learn something from this: to show genuine interest in what your spouse cares about. It'll go a long way in improving the communication in your marriage!
On Another Note...
Communication in marriage can sometimes slow down over time as you get to know each other better and more deeply. There just aren't as many things you don't know about each other as when you first met.So if you need some bright ideas for conversation-starters, here's are a few to get you started:
- Thoughts and feelings about your day (best part/worst part)
- Things you saw or heard on the news
- Movies or TV shows you've seen recently, or want to see
- Something new you learned today
- Future plans, including trips, where you want to live, having kids, etc
- Childhood memories
- "Have you ever...?"
- "Do you believe that...?"
- "If you won 10 million dollars in the lottery tomorrow..."
Communication in Marriage
During Sticky Patches
Communication in marriage also desperately needs to occur at times when things might not be so rosy between you and your spouse. In every marriage there are difficult conversations that need to happen from time to time.Here are a few tips for these conversations: - Know exactly what it is you want to talk about before beginning the conversation
- Let your spouse know what you want to discuss, then decide together on a good place to talk. Your home might be more comfortable, for example, than a restaurant
- Use good timing; don't have a serious talk as you're getting ready to leave for work in the morning or right before bed when you both exhausted. Choose a time that works well for both of you
- Be prepared; back up your concerns with specific facts and examples
- Keep it simple; don't explain it in a long-winded way
- Don't beat around the bush- just come out with what you've got to say
- Maintain eye-contact and don't interrupt your spouse
- Stay on track; if you've agreed to discuss a certain issue, don't jump around to five others. Focus on one at a time.
- Reach an agreement that is good for both of you, and then set a time that you can talk again to follow up on how you're both dealing with the issue
- If the same issue keeps creating problems in your marriage, look into getting some marriage counseling. Carefully research a counselor who will be good for both of you, and who has good references.
If you are dealing with some issues in your marriage right now, you may want to
read more about conflict styles.
Or... check out some more good marriage tips here.
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