Conflict Styles in MarriageWhether or not you've given it much thought, conflict styles are a part of every marriage. If you're married, you are bound to have conflict... don't lie and say you and your spouse NEVER fight, disagree, or argue- it's NOT true! 
In the words of my wise old Oma (Grandma), "Where there are two people, there will be two opinions." In other words, even the best marriages on the planet have conflict from time to time!The trick is to find out which conflict style you are most prone to using. Once you've discovered this and have taken some time to think it through, you can decide if the conflict style you usually use is really the best for your marriage. However... keep in mind that different conflict styles are appropriate in different situations- no one style is always the best. So as you read over the following conflict styles, think about specific sticky situations you've had in your marriage. Identify the conflict style that you used and ask yourself if it was the best one for that situation. If not, which conflict style could you have used to handle it better? After reading over the following conflict styles, if you're still unsure of which style you most often use with your spouse, take the quiz at the bottom of this page to find out. Remember, the point of all this is not to waste your time playing psychiatrist, but to make your marriage go from good to great!
Collaborating (aka Problem Solving)
Make your views known, but also invite and take into consideration the views of your spouse. Try to find a solution that works out pretty well for both of you. Example: A: Can you please wash the dishes now? Compromising (aka Meeting in the Middle)Similar to collaborating, but more like "splitting the difference." The solution should offer something good for both of you.Example: 
A: Ham & pineapple pizza is soooo yummy! Let's order one tonight.B: No way! Pepperoni pizza is WAY better than ham & pineapple. Plus, the ham gives you nasty breath! A: Like the pepperoni gives you minty-fresh breath? Let's do this: let's ask the pizza place if they can make us a pizza with half ham & pineapple, and half pepperoni. Then we'll both use mouthwash together before bed! B: Sweet, let's do it! Accomodating (aka Giving In)Accept your spouse's point of view and let them have their way. This is a good style if you don't really care about the issue that much... after all, why bother having conflict over something that doesn't matter that much to you anyways? As long as this style isn't the only one you ever use in your marriage (ie- you're a door-mat), you're good to go.
Example:A: Hey, I'd love to watch a DVD tonight. Can we rent that new chick-flick that just came out? I'm dying to see it... it looked SO romantic on the previews. AvoidingNot dealing with the conflict at all because either you or your spouse needs some time to cool down first (this is good). Or... you're just a conflict-dodger altogether and don't want to go there (this is bad - deal with it!).Example: 
A: Honey, I'm sooooo sorry, but I just crashed your new car into a pole. Can you come over here and we can look at the damage together and see how much it'll cost to fix?B: (no response) A: Honey? B: Not now - I need some time. Later... Forcing (aka "My Way or the Highway")As the name suggests, this is when you force others to do or see something YOUR way. This is usually bad, with the exception of when you need to get something done quickly and/or are in a dangerous situation.
Example:A: Fire! Quick, get out of the apartment! So... have you decided which conflict style you use most often with your spouse? If you have, it's a good idea to get some outside input. In other words, ask some people who are close to you to evaluate what your style is over the next few weeks. It is entirely possible that their view is completely different than yours. See if you can figure out why... If you're still unsure of which conflict style you most often use with your spouse, take this quiz to find out. One tip: when answering the questions, think only of how would react to your spouse, not other people in your life such as colleagues. The reason is that you usually act differently towards your spouse because you feel absolutely free to "let your hair down" with them. Considering all situations with all people may skew the results if you're taking this quiz to find out you react to conflict in your marriage.
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