Best Tips for
Cross Cultural Communication
in Marriage

For example, Andrew was raised by parents who are British and South African, while I was raised by very German parents. Although Andrew and I were both born and raised in Canada, the way we were raised culturally has an effect on how we communicate. Not to a huge extent, but it is noticeable.

The definition of cross cultural communication is quite simple. It's defined as "a field of study that looks at how people from differing cultural backgrounds communicate."

Communication draws on the ways we've learned to speak and send non-verbal messages. When there are big cultural differences between you and your spouse, miscommunication is all the more likely to occur. This can often lead to conflict, or aggravate conflict that is already in your marriage.

For example, let's say you're married to someone who comes from a culture where it's considered rude to maintain eye contact when having a serious conversation, and polite to burp loudly during dinner as a compliment to the chef. I'm sure you can just imagine the hang-ups that these things would create between you and your spouse if that is not the way you were brought up! Can you imagine taking him/her to your proper parents' place for a "nice dinner"?!! Yikes!

While these examples of how cross cultural communication can create issues in your marriage are a touch on the fickle side, there are many more serious examples that could be mentioned, and that I'm sure you can think of.

So... how do you go about improving your cross cultural communication skills, especially with your spouse? Try these ways:

• Aquire Knowledge. Get to know the culture your spouse comes from by taking a trip to their home country, reading about it, watching movies about it, getting to know their family, etc. The more knowledge you can acquire about their culture, the better an understanding you will have for why they are the way they are, and why they do the things they do.
  
  
• Be Realistic. Accept the fact that despite your very best efforts to understand their culture, there will potentially be problems caused by cross cultural communication that you can't do much about. If you really love each other though, you'll work with it and keep going. Be patient and forgiving, don't jump to conclusions, and take your time when responding to things they say.
  
  
• Use Active Listening. Repeat back what you think you heard your spouse say to help avoid miscommunication. For more info on improving listening skills, click here.
  
  
• Be Supportive. In order for cross cultural communication to be effective, you both have to feel comfortable. If your spouse isn't a native speaker of the language the two of you use to communicate, give them plenty of encouragement and correct them gently when they make mistakes. This will, in turn, give them more confidence to keep working on the language, and your communication will therefore improve in the long run.
  
  
• Speak Slowly. Whatever the language you and your spouse use to communicate, if it's not the native language of one or both of you, you've GOT to remember to slow down, speak clearly, and make sure your pronunciation is correct. This is tricky! I know, from my experience of teaching in China, that despite my best intentions to speak slowly to my students, I still sometimes speak too quickly. The only way I remember to speak slowly is to constantly remind myself to slow down.
  
  
• Ask Questions Separately. Try not to ask "double questions" such as, "Do you want to eat dinner at home tonight or should we go out?" In many cases of cross cultural communication, this will just throw a whole lot of confusion out there for the listener. Instead, try asking just one question at a time and let the listener (your spouse in this case) answer it before asking the next question.
  
  
• Don't Use Slang. Even if your spouse is super well educated, they may not understand all the slang words, idioms, and sayings that you use. They could well understand the words themselves, but not what you mean. For example, if you tell them to "chill out," they might just go hop in an ice-bath... and telling them that they're "da bomb" might send them running for cover, waiting for a massive explosion! So either tone down the slang, or teach them what you mean by what you say.
  
  

If cross cultural communication is an issue that is causing conflict in your marriage, keep working it out using the above tips.

Keep in mind that these things take time; you're not shooting for an instant "microwave-meal-marriage" here; rather, a deep and slow-roasted one. Enjoy!

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