How To Be Assertive In Marriage

It also depends a lot on both your personalities and how they mesh, so there's really no cut-and-dry answer to how to be assertive with each other. However, as with anything, there are tips that can help you out. But first, let's take a look at what "assertiveness" is and why it's important in marriage:

Assertiveness can be defined as a way of expressing yourself in a direct and clear way. It is communicating what you want and who you are, ideally without allowing your emotions to cloud the meaning or tone of what you're saying, (although this can be super tricky when you're dealing with emotionally-charged issues in your marriage!).

Assertiveness is NOT being bossy, rude, pushy, over-bearing, arrogant, or condescending. It is simply explaining what you want or need in a clear and firm way while respecting the person you're talking to. This goes for marriage, as well as for all your other daily dealings.

When you are assertive, it also shows your spouse that you have confidence in yourself, which is a super attractive quality. The final (and most obvious) reason why being assertive is important in marriage is that it often results in you getting what you want and need. Remember that your primary goal should be to make your spouse feel loved and happy, but you also need to balance that with having your own needs met.

So... now on to the meat of the matter:

Tips on How To Be Assertive in Your Marriage

• Gather Your Courage. If something is bothering you, speak up. I know this is hard sometimes because you don't want to risk starting an argument, but ask yourself "What's the worst that could happen if I bring this up?" Usually not too much.
  
  
• Understand that "there's a time and a place." Often times when you bravely and assertively bring something up that you'd like to see your spouse change, discussion will ensue. Sometimes this will branch out into "argument-land," so be sure not to bring these things up when you have people over, when you're just on your way out the door, when you're going to work, etc. Choose a time that will work well for both of you to discuss the issue, such as before bed, on a walk, after dinner, etc.
  
  
• Use "I" Phrases. For example, "I feel hurt when you..." This will make your spouse a whole lot less defensive than if you start with, "YOU always..."
  
  
• Be Specific and Succinct. Explain what's bothering you in as few words as possible. If you go on and on and on (ahem... ladies!) you may lose your spouse (especially if your spouse happens to be a man!)
  
  
• Use Examples. If possible, use one or two real-life examples of what you're talking about to help your spouse understand. For example, "I feel embarrassed when you make fun of me in front of our friends, like this afternoon when you told Larry and Terry that I fart super loudly in my sleep!"
  
  
• Listen. Be willing to listen to your spouse's side of the story once you've put yours on the table. For more info on this, check out this useful page on improving listening skills.
  
  
• Suggest A Solution. It's always helpful to suggest a solution, rather than just complaining about the problem. For example, "I feel crappy when the first thing out of your mouth is always something negative. It's not that you can't tell me what's on your mind, but do you think you could try starting with a few positive things first?"
  
  
• Cool Down. If you find that you and your spouse get into a big discussion/argument after you assertively bring something up, and if that discussion keeps going around in circles, take some time to cool down. But first, agree on a time when you'll come back to re-visit the issue. Ideally this would be as little as 30 minutes later, and no longer than the end of the day. For more info on this, check out this revealing page on conflict styles in marriage.
  
  

How to be assertive goes hand-in-hand with how you communicate overall. For more info on this, check out this helpful page on improving communication in marriage.

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